The nine stages of dating

Humans that belong to the writer-subtype are a peculiarity of nature. They have certain traits that often result in a very different dating process than the rest of the population…

…especially when trying to date normal human beings:

1) Stepping out of the writing cave may be scary, but it’s a necessary first step if you want any chance of finding love or procreating in the next 10-15 years. Yes, it can take that long.

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2) But things have changed. People use apps to find dates. There’s even this thing called Tinder that’s shaped like a flame. Ah, you get it. So you start swiping.

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3) Then you find someone who wants to meet you for a drink! But during the date, you find you have to explain that being a writer doesn’t automatically mean you know how to write haikus on demand – or anything poetry related for that matter. I mean, you’re not a magical unicorn, are you??

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4) At the end of the date, you may find you can’t even afford to go Dutch for drinks. Because you have no money. Because you’re a writer. But if you’re smart enough to find a poor sod who can pay for your expensive coffee, chocolate & wine addiction, you hold onto them, tightly

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5) Just as you’re beginning to become attached to your new date, they break the number one rule of dating a writer. They mention how ‘they’ve always wanted to write a book too, they’ve just never gotten around to it’. As if it’s as simple as grabbing a pen and Voilà! 100,000 word book is done!

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6) You jump into the dating pool again to find someone else. Someone practical and down-to-earth with preferably enough money to support you while you spend two years writing the next #1 New York Times bestseller

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7) And then you finally find the one. That one person on Earth destined to put up with your weird writing quirks and your random, hippie-drifter life – yet doesn’t bat an eyelid at any of it

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8) You even bestow upon them your greatest honour: you incorporate them into your novel. It doesn’t matter if their name and personality is badly disguised, no one will ever know

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9) Depending on how the relationship turns out, your new character will either die a gruesome death or turn into the Tinderella or fella of your bookish dreams…

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39 thoughts

  1. Pingback: The nine stages of dating — The Cat’s Write – Kristalin Davis' Musings on the Human Condition
  3. Pingback: The nine stages of dating — The Cat’s Write

  7. Hi Milly. Great post! I read it all (and that’s unusual for me) and it really struck a chord. Dating is a tough game these days.
    Shona x

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        1. Gee thanks that’s really nice of you to say that 🙂 Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m doing things right. Oh and just wondering, what’s your website, ‘a crack in the pavement’ about?

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    1. Yeah that’s so true! Half the time I feel like potential dates are sizing up my qualifications, finances, looks and family background, rather than the things that SHOULD matter, like whether or not our life goals, personalities and morals complement each other.

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      1. Exactly. The whole online dating thing is a disaster as well. Tried a few different apps and went on a few dates, but most of them just didn’t pan out. Now that I’m twenty-five I feel like the clock is ticking and I just keep getting further away from the dating pool.

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  16. dating, and finding you hit the jackpot with one another, for a writer will either give you great inspiration – or foul up all the pent up anger and frustration that dating the wrong people inspires. Look at Taylor Swift. I sure wouldn’t want to be a failed relationship with that gal — ouch! (but money in the bank!)

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  18. Dating is weird. Luckily for me, my mother recommended a sterling fellow (she now denies this) and I tell you, I couldn’t have become the writer I am today without him.
    Personally, I’d advocate taking a recommendation from a friend or relative you trust, rather than looking for some random on Tinder who can string you whatever lie they like. Plus your friends/relatives know you well enough not to recommend someone who isn’t going to be cool with the writing cave, the hordes (and/or hoards) of cats, the strange mumbling, the long ‘ping time’ when they try to talk to you…

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  21. Before you start dating, prepare haikus with blanks where you can insert 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5-syllable names.Then you’re prepared . . . until it turns out your date is Welsh or Thai and has an 18-syllable long name.

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  26. Highly entertaining and enjoyable. I’m confident if you dig down into your soul just a bit…perhaps read a few books off genre…you can actually figure out a way to make some poor sod stick around for at least 2 years. Men are such simple creatures…they don’t need much….good luck!

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